Two week wait

OK, here's the thing, I'm losing my fucking mind here. My doctor obviously doesn't understand that I am a classic control freak and that it's not possible for me to have a life changing event maybe occurring inside my body that I have no control over. I have cramps, fatigue, bloating, my boobs feel like a couple of bowling balls that shoot intense pain through my chest when they bump anything. In short, I have all the early signs of pregnancy....or my period....or surgery induced trauma to my ovaries. I have been straining to feel a pain that would indicate embryonic burrowing, but it seems that embryos burrowing could feel the same as PMS cramping and that's bullshit. All weekend and Monday I was convinced that I'm not pregnant. Yesterday and today, I am on the fence- sometimes I think yes, sometimes no. I'm not supposed to test at home, because the hormone injections can fool the tests. I've read that after day 10, injectable pregnancy hormones won't produce a false positive, just a possible false negative, and a faint line may appear if I am pregnant. Come Monday, I'm going to be a testing fool. They can't stop me (insert maniacal laugh here).
I'm not allowed to smoke, drink wine, coffee or Diet Dr. Pepper, or take bubble baths. I am tired of taking walks. Mediation is fun and relaxing for about 15 seconds. Then I get so bored, I want to poke my own eyes out. Every show on TV has babies in it. I am trying not to overeat, because the only thing that would be worse than finding out I'm not pregnant would be getting fat and then finding out I'm not pregnant. I'm a woman on the edge here people. Oh, and there is a chance that if I am pregnant, I'll be a single parent, because I don't know if my marriage is going to survive my insanity.