My first procedure..

So, I went yesterday for my trial run/mapping and got something called a Sono-hist...It pretty much sucked. It was painful andlasted for over a half an hour. They first inserted a catheter with a balloon on the end and blew up the balloon in my uterus. Then they took it out and inserted another catheter in my uterus and shot a couple of teaspoons of saline solution into it. During those parts of the procedure, I started sweating and it was hard to stay still. I didn't cry, but my eyes did tear up. It all still feels kind of humiliating. There is nothing dignified about two people with 3 medical instruments rooting around inside your body while you try to control your breathing and be still so it doesn't hurt more. I think that infertility, for any reason, male or female, feels shameful. I think everyone who goes through it feels that way, but it could just be me.
During the procedure, they also took pictures of my uterus and ovaries with the ultrasound. Ovaries look like Swiss cheese and the black holes are follicles that release the eggs. The big positive to come out of it was that the doctor and the ultrasound lady, Margaret said I had some of the best reproductive organs they have seen and that while they can't guarantee a baby, they don't see why I would have any trouble getting pregnant.
Last week I gave 6 vials of blood and the results of the testing there said I have a hypo active thyroid, so I do have to go on medication for that. We talked more in depth about my shots. Dr. Baby said I will have to be taking 3 shots a day at some point. I told her I'm scared and don't know if I can do it. She said I'm smart and have handled all of this really well so far and she thinks I can do it. I know she gets paid to say that kind of thing, but it did make me feel a lot better. She was awesome. I left in a lot of pain, but feeling pretty cocky about my fabulous reproductive system. If they had let me, I might have actually brought the photos to show around the office.

A break through!

I am finally feeling something besides dread for the process. I have been completely unable to get out of the infertility funk for the last month or so. I am really excited about being pregnant and maybe having a baby. I even bought a onesie at Graceland last weekend that looks like an Elvis (Vegas style) jumpsuit. that kid doesn't stand a chance where fashion is concerned. I think I am feeling so much better because I finally am getting started. The waiting sucked. Tomorrow I have my baseline blood work done, and next Tuesday, I have my trial run (formerly referred to as vaginal mapping). I am nervous about the trial run, even though my doctor said it's, "not bad, just like a pap smear with a bad cramp". Thanks for the reassurance, but in my world, that qualifies as bad. Maybe not terrible, traumatic, or horrifying, but definitely bad. They did tell me to eat something light before the procedure because they give me 800 mg of ibuprofen before they start. I asked if by, "eating something light", she meant I should take a Valium, but my doctor's secretary, while efficient and very nice, apparently doesn't have much of a sense of humor or humanity.
Charlie can't go with me, because he has to travel for work next week and this, like all things IVF, has to be done according to my menstrual cycle (day 7-10 to be exact)My friend Sarah is going to go in case I don't feel like driving myself home and so I don't hyperventilate while waiting for the procedure to begin. This is very kind of her, and she is a good friend. I am trying to appreciate her now, because I worry that, after living through this with me, she'll start avoiding my phone calls and find someone else to fit into the bridesmaid dress I'm supposed to wear in her wedding next month. I will let you all know how it goes!

In an effort to be as positive as possible, I am making a list of the pros and cons of using IVF. Cons will include everything about the process that scares me, makes me resentful, or uncomfortable. Pros will include any conveniences or happy events that may come out of the experience:
Cons
1. Lots of Shots- some administered by me (scared....OK, terrified)
2. Having baby conceived by mad scientist instead of Charlie and me..(resent and sad)
3. Having lots of strange people/objects in my vagina. (Gross)
4. One of those objects is a giant needle that will be used to pierce my vaginal wall....(gross and horrifying)
5. Potential health risks of hormone injection including stroke and a condition that I don't remember the name of where my abdomen fills with fluid and blow up like a balloon. Requires hospitalization and draining of said abdomen...(afraid..and super gross)
6. Baby making taking place on some doctor's schedule (resent...infuriating actually)
7. Stress on relationship due to all kinds of guilt, resentment, fear, anger feelings induced by this entire process (scared and resentful)
8. Constant fear that if this doesn't work, I am going to have no babies, ever... (making me completely fucking insane)
9. Cost outrageous...(scared and resentful)

Pros
1. Might, possibly have a baby. (ecstatic)

I think I make a compelling case for IVF as an option. They might want to use this list in the commercials.

Charlie's empathy hat

When we went to Jamaica for the first time, on our honeymoon, we saw some inflatable rafts in the gift shop and debated whether to buy them. They were cheaply made and cost $10 USD. I suggested that we just get one and share it. Charlie's exact words were, "I know that by 'share' you mean that you will lay on the raft in the ocean while I stand beside you and turn the raft so you can get the optimal amount of sun on you. I don't want to do that". We bought two rafts. His got a hole in it on the first day and after that, he spent a lot of time standing in the ocean, pulling me, on my raft, behind him. My point is that Charlie knows me. He not only knows me, he understands me. He knows that I get controlling when I feel insecure and that I can't process a single feeling without talking about it for an hour. He knows that I cry almost every time I watch Oprah and that I can't drive the speed limit to save my life.
He knows how much I want to have a baby, but I don't think he can fully understand what I'm going through. I think it might be that he has no biological clock, or the fact that he already has kids, or, it could be because I'm the one who has to be stuck with 589,647 needles in a single month's time and have people rooting around in my lady parts, not once or twice, but approximately 15 times (he also knows that I exaggerate for emphasis when I tell stories). Whatever it is, it's not just hard on me, it's hard on him. I know he wants to be supportive but he doesn't always know how. I also know that on a good day, I am not the easiest person to live with. One morning, on my way out the door to go to work, I yelled at him (after he had brought cigarettes home a fair amount of the time....and I may have even been crying), "I DON'T HAVE TIME TO STOP FOR CIGARETTES EVERYDAY! IF YOU ARE GOING TO SMOKE YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR OWN!". The man is practically a saint.
Anyway, it's hard to find balance with this situation. I want to tell Charlie what I need but I don't want to blame him for my feelings about the issue or take out the frustration I feel on him.
I recently told Charlie that he needs to get his empathy hat on and he needs to do it in a hurry. This came on the heels of one of my bouts of frustration and tears over not being able to get the procedures scheduled. I also have to confess that I am pissed that I have to be the pin cushion and I have no reproductive issues. I made the choice to be with him, I love him and I don't want to have children with anyone else. I knew what I was getting into. I just didn't know it would be this hard (you can see how processing feelings with me might be a bit confusing).
Charlie doesn't read my blog and I was a little hurt by that. Then the other night, I asked him if he read my latest entry and he said to me, "Read it? Baby, I'm livin' it!"